my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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