I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
