everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
