Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
