someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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