I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
