How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
