i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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