I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
