I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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