I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
