the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
