She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
