I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
