i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
