Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize