A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
