Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
