When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
