I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
