just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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