U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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