You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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