When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize