Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
