Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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