dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
