you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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