I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
