If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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