we're chasing vodka with high fives
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize