i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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