the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
