I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
