Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
