I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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