I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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