I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
