I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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