Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
