Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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