I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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