Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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