This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
