The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week š
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a āfireplaceā station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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