He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
