Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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