Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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