i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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