Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
