apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
