So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
