Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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