I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
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