I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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