speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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