Screwed.edu
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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