It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
