wrigley field is MILF paradise
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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