we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
