I feel great
I just peed on a car
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
