You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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